Party Profiles

Fine Gael

Leader: Enda Kenny

Core Voters: Anyone who isn’t homeless, renting, or on a hospital trolley, Billionaire tax exiles

Economic Policy: Previous Government’s problem

Environmental Policy: Future Government’s problem

Healthcare Policy: Studies have shown that a trolley is actually the healthiest place for a patient

Likely to Say: “Keep the Recovery going….”

Unlikely to Say: “…and eventually it might reach you”

 

Fianna Fail

Leader: Micheal Martin

Core Voters: Sufferers from Alzheimer’s, Dementia, and other ailments of the memory

Economic Policy: It’s Complicated…

Planning Policy: “Did I, eh, hear a briefcase opening?”

Environmental Policy: Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away

Likely to Say: “A Fianna Fail government would spread the recovery to all…”

Unlikely to Say: “…by trying to undo the damage we did the last time”

 

Labour

Leader: Enda Kenny

Core Voters: Guilty Liberals, Civil Servants

Economic Policy: Whatever policy Fine Gael tell them to have, with added hand-wringing over the “most vulnerable”

Environmental Policy: A comprehensive anti-flooding strategy with special focus on not falling out of canoes

Likely to Say: “We support a vigorous programme of job creation….”

Unlikely to Say: “….because a lot of our members may soon need new ones”

 

Sinn Fein

Leader: Gerry “I was very definitely not Chief of Staff of the IRA in 1978” Adams

Core Voters: Members of the Wolfe Tones, people who believe that Nationalism, Socialism  and having a parallel armed wing makes for a solidly democratic party

Economic Policy: Adding a million angry Protestants to the labour force is the best path to growth, Environmental Policy: Increased investment in Green Energy, particularly Green Diesel

Policy on Crime: Sure if he’s a good Republican…

Likely to say: “The Troubles are in the past and it’s time to move on”

Unlikely to say: “I can get you a really good deal on diesel and Lithuanian cigarettes”

 

Renua Ireland

Leader: The bastard offspring of Mother Theresa and Grover Norquist

Core Voters: Time travellers from 1958

Economic Policy: Eat the Poor

Policy on Crime: “Three strikes worked so well in America…”

Likely to say: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again.

Unlikely to say: Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

 

Social Democrats

Leader: Oh, that could be a potentially controversial decision, and they don’t like them

Core Voters: Slightly Less Guilty Liberals

Economic Policy: Foolishly attempting to apply Nordic efficiency to the Celts.

Policy on Crime: Something nice and inoffensive

Likely to Say: “A new kind of politics….”

Unlikely to say: “….with the same old economic realities”

 

PBP-AAA

Leader: Vladimir Lenin

Core Voters: Those who believe attacking building contractors to be a legitimate full-time occupation, those who describe themselves as “Social Entrepeneurs” rather than the more accurate “Unemployed and unemployable”

Economic Policy: See Environmental Policy

Environmental Policy: Planting Magical Money Trees to finance Economic Policy

Policy on Crime: It’s actually Wealth Redistribution

Likely to say: “You can shove your water meters up your fiscal space”

Unlikely to say: Anything more coherent than the above

 

Greens

Leader: Whoever is lucky enough to win a seat

Core Voters: Those who believe raising awareness about a problem is the most effective way to change the world, as opposed to doing something about said problem

Economic Policy: Crowdfunded Government

Environmental Policy: Naive

Likely to Say: “The people of Ireland deserve a Green voice as an honest watchdog in Government…”

Unlikely to Say: “…because that worked so well last time”

 

Workers and Unemployed Action Group

Leader: Josef Stalin

Also known as: The Judean People’s Front

Core Voters: Holders of Irish Credit Default Swaps

Economic Policy: Mad

Likely to Say: “Splitters”

Unlikely to say: “All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what has neoliberalism ever done for us?”

 

DDI

Leader: Raymond of the Clan Whitehead

Core Voters: Vexatious Litigants

Economic Policy: Lovecraftian

Policy on Crime: Obfuscation shall be considered a full affirmative defence

Likely to Say: “AARRGGHH, VACCINES!!!”

Unlikely to Say: “Ballot initiatives and recall elections are a dangerous mechanism as they allow a motivated minority to effectively impose their will upon a majority suffering from electoral fatigue”

 

Catholic Democrats

Leader: God

Core Voters: The Family

Economic Policy: The Family

Healthcare Policy: The Family

Policy on Crime: The Family

Environmental Policy: A crash programme to remove all the oestrogen contamination in Ireland’s rivers due to use of contraceptives

Likely to Say: “The homosexual lobby has corrupted this country…”

Unlikely to Say: “….through their thoroughly unreasonable demands for basic civil rights”

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By gregbowler

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